If you just act like everything is normal, one day you will realize that everything really is normal. While taking responsibility for what happened is crucial, once you've done the work of understanding why, you then need to work to forgive yourself. Am I being stupid for even trying to work it out or should I be trying to muster up the courage and strength to leave? However he has been abandoning me and spending very little time with our family to pursue this relationship. Forgive yourself if you missed something. I recently found out about his affair that according to him started last September. We came home he got in the shower put comfy clothes on.
I myself was in an abusive relationship for 16 years, actually 18 years now, and know full well why I made that mistake that I made. He says its a lie it never went pass the text nothing ever happened. Let there be no secrets. Will things ever be the same? If you know where she lives I am sure you can find a phone number for her. Being able to express hurt feelings in a safe environment can facilitate healing. You need to take care of yourself.
Well one Saturday morning I came in to work on a couple things. I take care of our baby 24 hours while he works to make ends meet. I keep putting one foot in front of the other but have no destination. Right now though, you are going through a trauma. It doesn't matter if you 'love' him in your head when your actions are the opposite of love. The biggest challenge now is that my husband accuses me of not forgiving. At 51 I guess that I would rather work on trying to love him and trust him again rather than starting over or being alone.
Your spouse is going to be shocked beyond belief, hurt, and frightened. No woman or man, who chooses to stay, with a good man or woman who takes responsibility for their actions and does the work to heal the marriage, should ever think of themselves as stupid. No, this is not an erroneous repeat. We both say we will never ever forget. I am trying harder to keep us from growing apart again. These are all valid, important needs and in no way represent a neediness or lack of self-reliance.
In the 21 st Century, more and more women are becoming independent from their partners. Do you both genuinely want the relationship? And you deserved the chance to put back whatever was missing. This is not to excuse the person who had the affair. I have just gotten to a point where I feel like I am done asking questions and am just trying to accept that I will never make sense of things as none of it makes sense. It rattles your ability to make even the smallest decisions - where to eat, what to wear. There will have been times that your needs went hungry too.
In fact, marital therapists have found that forgiveness is an essential ingredient of healing from infidelity and contributes to a long-lasting, successful marriage. This is the information that will grow your relationship and repair the holes that have made it vulnerable. You must internally examine your motivations, your reasoning, and your rationales. You realize your marriage is more important than your affair. Allow your spouse to ask questions and inquire about the details of your life. You had a lot of chances to make different decisions, but the one you made to become emotionally or sexually involved with someone else is the one you are dealing with now.
As part of this new commitment to cherish each other, the couple goes public with the state of their relationship and alerts the people closest to them such as children and in-laws that they are recommitted and are working toward rebuilding trust. So, your husband needs to take an active role in saving your marriage. I need to decide whether I can live with the man I married, not the one I thought I did. As with any trauma, finding out about an affair will create massive potential for the trauma to be re-experienced over and over. Infidelity happens for plenty of reasons. A lot of people say it takes 2-3 years to heal but the majority of that healing should take place in the first year.
What stopped the affair being worth the risk? It can be broken, however, if you are careless, and though you may be able to glue it back together, you will always see the cracks. We really respect you for that! Daring to make your own choice and do what you really want is to be commended and respected. Your partner may be experiencing intrusive thoughts and images, high anxiety, panicky feelings, confusion, etc. Be kind to yourself and be patient. Smart people are able to refrain from making emotional decisions, seek wise counsel, and discern the difference between a marriage worth staying in, or one that it is best to leave.
Jill Nichole, It sounds like you guys have a lot of rough history in your relationship. He admitted to the counselor he had a sex and gambling addiction. He or she is choosing to in spite of the choices you have made. Your marriage is worth it no matter what you and your spouse have been through. Although it may be difficult, allow your husband or wife as much time as is needed to process these deep emotions, consistently responding to him or her with honesty and regret. If he says yes, you know that you have something to work with and there is hope for the relationship.